If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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