My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
