I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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