we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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