I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize