mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
