the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Operation Purity has been aborted
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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