its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
