just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
