Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Randomize
