Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
