they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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