she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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