i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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