I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
