I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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