My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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