Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
YAS. BRING CRAB.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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