The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
