Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
