I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
