smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
