i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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