If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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