You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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