Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
