apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We need to get me chipped asap
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
