He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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