I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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