woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
