Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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