your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
