Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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