Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
