Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
