oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
