My sheets look like a crime scene.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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