i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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