So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
