he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
