She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Panties = found
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
