new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
