Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
