I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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