I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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