fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
