I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
