I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
