He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
