Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
