so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
