I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
