Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
