I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
