She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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