Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
