Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize