The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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