Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
