apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
