you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
