i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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