Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
